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EarendiltheMariner
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Name: Konrad
Country: United States
State: Illinois
Gender: Male
Interests: Anything nerdy...the more exclusively nerdy it is, the more i enjoy it and the better i am at it.
Expertise: Politics, religion, and nerd.
Occupation: Student
Industry: Nonprofit
Message: message meEmail: email me
Website: visit my website
AIM:  thekaiserroll
Member Since:
5/24/2004
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| I read a book for fun for the first time in two months or so; George Orwell's "1984". I've missed reading. I'm not sure what type of person I've changed into in college, or maybe it's my world that has changed. I hope I can remain/become a good person in the future, and hopefully my mistakes won't punish me too much.
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| For the first time since last semester, I read through all of my subscriptions, and I have to ask...were we always this sad? What happened in the last two years that we have little to show for life since then but despondency, musing, and nostalgia? Is this how people turn into adults?
I know a lot of separation is just me not talking much or not being great when I do, but the full effects of my laziness in not keeping friendships active have come back to hurt me when I want to help people I may not know anymore.
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| Nothing deep and thoughtful here, just some beatles lyrics. Oh, how silly those Brits were!
When I wake up early in the morning
Lift my head, I'm still yawning
When I'm in the middle of a dream
Stay in bed, float up stream (float up stream)
Please, don't wake me, no, don't shake me
Leave me where I am - I'm only sleeping
Everybody seems to think I'm lazy
I don't mind, I think they're crazy
Running everywhere at such a speed
Till they find there's no need (there's no need)
Please, don't spoil my day, I'm miles away
And after all I'm only sleeping
Keeping an eye on the world going by my window
Taking my time
Lying there and staring at the ceiling
Waiting for a sleepy feeling...
Please, don't spoil my day, I'm miles away
And after all I'm only sleeping
Keeping an eye on the world going by my window
Taking my time
When I wake up early in the morning
Lift my head, I'm still yawning
When I'm in the middle of a dream
Stay in bed, float up stream (float up stream)
Please, don't wake me, no, don't shake me
Leave me where I am - I'm only sleeping | | |
| One of the reasons I write this is to try to sort out what I really
think and why, by working through reasonings and emotions. I do it here
because this is part of who I am, and those who want to read what I
write probably want to read what I think.
Over the last couple weeks, my mind, pedestrian and sedated by
electronic fantasy as it is, has had too much to deal with, because
I've tried to figure people out.
What is the point of all this thought if it keeps me miserable? Why
can't I be stupid and enjoy myself the way I do through immersion in a
fabricated product and outlet for imagination and watch my life go by?
Why do I think about questions like "why does he do this" or "what
makes her act like this" and the classic "what did I do wrong" if it
only bring me doubt and anxiety? Who am I, anyway? Can I change myself
on a deeper level?
One of the most sacred things that a human can have is his own free
will, his own ability to decide what he wants to do. I never understood
why one should make his will God's will. Isn't the ideal response to
God's love your own bumbling attempts at returning it, because you want
to do good to others, just as God has done to you? Or maybe there's
more, and I'm just unable to think of it.
Maybe I should trust the people that are enigmatic, that laugh at me
behind my back and to my face, and that don't respect me. Because, I
guess, putting trust and love there and being disappointed and
humiliated is better than being numbingly alone. They're sharing a
drink they call loneliness, but it's better than drinking alone.
For my end, one thing I resolve to do is to never abandon someone. Even
if we haven't talked in 10 years, I hope to be a friend if you call me
because you have nowhere else to go, if you need someone to talk to, or
if you want some reassurance that you're not alone. I write this not to
sound pretentious, but because I wanted to think about what is most
important for me, and this came up. Hopefully it's true, too.
And who knows what they future holds. Maybe awkward smiles, maybe
sneers and condescencion, maybe eternal goodbyes, and maybe real love.
Here's to not doing what makes me so full of doubt.
And lastly, I am eternally grateful to those who loved me when it would
have been completely fine to do nothing. For this, I'll remember them
forever.
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| Oh, haven't done anything in here for a while. A summary of what I've been doing so far this summer;
Working at Six Flags (again), this time my job is in the "monitor
room". A telling name, since the room contains a computer, a stereo,
and about twenty very small, black-and-white televisions. My job is to
watch these monitors, which display the recordings of cameras
meticulously placed in each game, for signs of employee wrongdoing.
This can be someone looking around, taking money out of their bank,
holding it up, waving at the camera, and pocketing it, or it can be
people standing around their games, or it can be people just doing
their jobs and letting the customers play their games for the required
sum of money. Part of the distinction of this job is my presence in
this 10x12 room, watching people do their jobs for a mind-numbing eight
hours. Mental activity? Problem solving? No, these ideals are
tantalizingly close, but just past the wall of bureaucratic law. Even
though I'm able to do various tasks, my job description keeps me from
doing them.
And the other reason this job is wonderful? If Park Loss Prevention
catches someone stealing (I am in Games LP, I am Park LP's serf), I
have to go over to them, tell them to wrap up their apron (which every
Games employee uses to store money), lock it up, and follow me. Then, I
take them to the Park LP offices, where their work record gets sliced
with a "theft"-shaped knife. To be fair, Park LP is very thorough, and
I don't think we've fired someone unfairly, but I really don't like
being the hangman of the employment futures of 15 and 16-year olds who
are more stupid than anything. I don't like it at all. It's a job that
someone has to do, but it's also a job that makes me, well, let's say,
ethically uncertain.
Some of the worst actions done by any humans were justified by "I was
just doing my job", "I was under orders to do this", or "If I didn't do
this, someone else would have", and I don't want to see myself doing
the same, ever.
Monday, I'm going to be working a managerial job in the department I
worked in last year; I'll be doing revenue reports and harmless
mathematical things like that. My current job does not fit my
personality remotely. Hopefully, this one will be better.
Apologies if you didn't really want to read about my job. It's kind of
been on my mind. That and it would be cool if I made a movie about
Stalinist Russia with the only audio being OK Computer. What can I say,
I've got a lot of downtime : )
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